Two Revelations

In the last two days, I have had two realizations.

Revelation #1
Yesterday I began thinking about what my life was like before the miscarriage. In July of 2008 I decided that the days of my being fat were numbered. So I began doing Weigh.t Wat.chers. I began running and biking and doing my Bow.flex. Every day I would come home from work, work out, take a bath, and then eat a healthy dinner. My favorite part of all of that was the feeling I would get after working out. I would come back from my run sweaty and my face would be red, and I would love it. I loved the endorphins that surged through my veins. I wasn't on any anxiety or depression meds. I lost a lot-fifty pounds. I had planned on losing twenty-five more and then getting pregnant. But my half-sister got pregnant, and then my nemesis at work got pregnant, and I started trying right away, out of jealousy. I got pregnant the second month, miscarried, and then haven't been able to get pregnant since. Ten months later I am still without a pregnancy. My weight stayed the same for a long time, and then I went on the Zo.loft, and started eating like a pig and not exercising, and I have gained ten pounds back. Not terrible, but it makes me sad. I realized that I want that good feeling of being sweaty and red and accomplished. I want to feel healthy in my body.

Revelation #2
Today, while eating lunch at a shopping center, I was looking at a beautiful Christmas tree. Suddenly, I recalled what my cousin had texted me last night. She had said that God knows the perfect egg and perfect sperm already. He has already picked them out. When I looked at that tree, for some reason, it was as if God spoke directly to me. He doesn't do that often, but when He does, I listen very carefully. I need to stop this worry. It is eating me alive. Simply put, I need to trust in God. Faith used to be a huge part of my life, but I have lost it. I want it back. Desperately. I need God.

I miss the old me. My life was never perfect, and in fact, it has been very difficult being plagued with this disease of depression and OCD. But I had finally had my life under control. I was in control of my body and I was trusting God.

I need that back. Tomorrow I will eat healthy. I will go back on Weigh.t Watchers. I will exercise. I have been so afraid to exercise because of ttc, but that is ridiculous! I won't shake the egg loose. I need blood flowing. I need to lose weight.

As for the God thing, I don't exactly know how to incorporate Him back into my life. He is always there, but not in the forefront. I hope I figure out how to put him back in the center of my life, where He belongs.

I think that the increased dosage of Zo.loft is working. Of course, the true test will be in about ten days when I normally hit my low, right before AF. Thank God for medication that enables me to stay alive.

I can't control if I get pregnant. I can't control if I am going to get my job back next year. I can't control if I will get to keep my home. But I can control my eating and physical activity, and my relationship with God.

Tomorrow evening I will update as to how my healthy day went. Things are about to change.

Where I Am Right Now

When my mom was visiting last weekend, she found something in my couch.

When I had first miscarried, I went to the bead store and made a pink and blue bracelet with a little bean charm on it that said, "Love." I cherished that bracelet, and it brought me so much comfort. You can actually see it in my profile picture to the left. A few weeks after making it, the bean fell off. This was devastating to me, as that bean had symbolized my little bean that I had lost. I went to the bead store and bought some extra bean charms, but it just wasn't the same.

My mom found the original bean charm in the couch. She had actually been with me when I lost it (which is odd, being that she lives so far away) and so she immediately knew what it was when she saw it. She took it and placed it on my only Christmas decoration in my house, which is a nativity scene. She put it right in the baby Jesus crib. You can see it in the picture above.

I know it may sound cheesy, but I love things like that. They are like direct messages from God, sending out hope to me and my broken heart.

Guess where I am today? I am at home. I played hooky! I took a day off from work on my ovulation day. I don't plan on making this habit (and I had better not being that I have already used five sick days since September) but it just felt right this time. So I am lying here in bed with my New Mo.on book and the Starb.ucks white chocolate peppermint mocha (decaf) and donut that my husband brought me. I am trying to relax. Relaxing is the name of the game lately.

We had great timing this cycle. I am happy that I did not do the IUI. The thing that bothers me most about the IUI is that we have no idea of when I am actually ovulating. They director had told us to abstain for two to five days prior. What if we missed our window? I could fathom doing IUI if we don't have to abstain. My hubby's count is high enough that we should be able to come in twenty-four hours after BD'ing. Maybe I will think about that in the future.

The only thing that bothers me now is...TMI coming...I have an itch down there. In August I had Gardn.erilla which is a vaginal infection. I had no symptoms so it was just caught by chance through an exam for pelvic pain in the emergency room. I was given antibiotics and it went away. Two months ago I began having a dis.charge so I went to my doctor, who did tests, and I had nothing wrong. This month I have the itching, and maybe a different dis.charge, so I am thinking it may be yeast, but I am also thinking that I am obsessing. I do have OCD, and a pretty bad case of it. That I know for sure! It may also just be that my Zol.oft causes me to wake up sweating, and my pajamas and underwear are normally damp all over. So that may just make me itch. I just worry about anything that could cause conception not to happen! Sorry for the awful TMI!

So this is what I need to do:
During every fertile time something goes wrong. I place so much emphasis on this golden time of the month that it would be nearly impossible for something not to go wrong. With my OCD, I notice everything. So I just need to realize that nothing will be perfect. That is life. I need to relax and get through these next two weeks. If my period comes, it will come on Christmas. That just plain sucks. Christmas Day last year my uncle died. My due date is on December 18th. I will be having a big party in my classroom that day with all of the parents. The next two weeks may be very, very hard. But they may be okay. I need to have confidence in myself that I just may be able to handle the next two weeks. Even if it ends with my period. And that will likely be the case going purely by statistics. Regardless, I need to tell myself that I may fall apart, but I may be okay, and that either one of those things is perfectly permissible.

One thing I do know for sure: January will be here soon and then the pressure of my due date lingering will be gone. Gone. And that will be a HUGE relief.

So now I am off to read my book and bask in the glory of not going to work. I am relaxed...I am relaxed...I am relaxed...I am relaxed...I am relaxed...Do you think if I say it over and over it will come true?

I'm Considering Not Doing the IUI

I am considering not doing the IUI. Why? It is just a feeling, perhaps.

Today my OPK was darker, but didn't go dark like it normally does right after it begins to turn. Which made me question the timing of this whole thing. I am not being monitored because I am not having the IUI done at an RE. It is through my husband's urologist who specializes in fertility. Today I called the center director to tell him that my surge was about to start, and he didn't call me back. I don't know why. But it just got me to thinking.

Then I was obsessing over the timing issue. If we just BD the old-fashioned way, we won't miss our window.

Then I started researching, and the only time that your odds of IUI success go up is if you have multiple follicles, which I won't, because I am not on meds. I could be wrong, though. I don't know much about the odds.

Then I started thinking about how long we have been trying since the miscarriage...We have had 5 cycles where we have been able to try. Is that very long? From what I have read, it seems that it is common to take a while. I am 33 and it is bound to take longer. I just need to get a grip for now. I see so many cases where women get pregnant very quickly, but I need to remember that that is not the norm. (That is only all of the women I know in real life). I can get pregnant. I don't know of anything yet that would stop us from getting pregnant, besides the depression and anxiety. The reason for the IUI was so that I would relax, not necessarily to improve our timing. But I am pretty relaxed about BD'ing right now. In fact, I WANT to BD. I am really in the mood for it. I am never in the mood for it. Sorry for that TMI, but it is true. I bought some great lingerie and kind of want to show it to my husband. Plans of an IUI made me relax these last two weeks.

Maybe I should put this off until next month when I talk to the fertility director about why an IUI may give me better chances over regular inter.course. Maybe I should put off the IUI until I do Clomid in two months.

This isn't cold feet. I'm not scared of it. At all. I'm more than willing to pay the 500 bucks. We have some money from his aunt just for this. I'm just thinking, and feeling some things. Hmmmm.....I will keep you updated as to what I decide to do.

Edited to Add: We are not doing the IUI. We are saving our money, as Kelly put it in the comments below, for baby things! It just felt right to do it the old-fashioned way this time. So now I am waiting for my surge. It should happen by tomorrow morning. They next few days will be very busy :) Now I just need to relax! I'm off to watch Tr.ue Bl.ood to help me forget about obsessing!

Thoughts On My Mood and Stye Advice

I am doing okay. Actually pretty decent!

I notice that my moods go in cycles. I am very sad and angry during my period. Then I get more hopeful around ovulation. Then the doubt and worry sets in, and then the sadness of my period again. Of course, through every stage I still have my depression. Right now, I am doing okay!

I am on Day 2 of High on my monitor. My parents are here, and we managed to get in BD last night! It was easy, as my husband hadn't "expressed himself" recently (sorry for the gross TMI), but we usually run into problems after a few days of BD'ing. Now I just hope to let things be until my IUI. The perfect timing would be for me to get a positive OPK today, and have the iUI tomorrow, but I don't think that is going to happen. I have decided that I am going to take the day off of work. Just because. I want to relax and watch TV and meditate (okay, I don't really meditate, but if I did, I would). This, of course, involves me writing sub plans, which is more than annoying, but worth it.

My body is finally feeling healthy. I suppose that is why a stye decided to appear in my eye a few days ago. Because my body just couldn't stand not having anything wrong with it. It was so painful for 3 days. My husband told me to take a hot Q-tip and put it on the stye. Don't EVER do that! I burnt the stye and it was worse than before! Yesterday, it felt so much better. It was huge, but was coming to a head. (For those of you who are lucky enough not to know, a stye is an infection of the eyelash and it is essentially a pimple on the eyelid). I stupidly decided to pop it last night. Don't ever do that! Before I did it I knew I was going to regret it. I just knew it. As I did it I was telling myself, "Don't do this. You WILL regret this. Goo.gle told you that you could get a brain infection if you do this." But I did it. And I woke up with my eyelid the size of a mattress. The stye is still there. I am so glad that after last month's kidney stone during ovulation, I am blessed with a painful stye during this one.

But as my coworker said, "At least I have an eye on which to have a stye."

As I said, my parents are here, so we are doing some touristy things today. I am so sad that it is going to rain! We are going to bring them to Co.ronado today and some other areas around San Di.ego. Where is the sun?

I will keep you updated on the IUI progress!

Thoughts on Health and a Question for God

When I get to heaven I will ask God why He allows so many women to suffer with infertility. Through reading these blogs, I have seen countless women in pain because they have empty arms. I will ask God why He allows my stepsisters, who are drugged out, irresponsible and cruel, to have so many children. They beat their little ones in front of the world and call them names, yet there are upstanding women with so much love to give who are unable to have a child. I have an evil co-worker who, after my miscarriage, proceeded to rub her pregnant belly purposely every time that I saw her. Her cruelness is something I have never seen before (and I will write about her sometime). Why is she allowed to have a child?

On a different but related note, I have been noticing how I tend to do things that are unhealthy for me. I have been eating like crap. I lay in bed when I come home from work. I spend too much money on things for the home. I go on Face.book and become jealous of everyone. Tonight, I did something that I knew I would regret. I went on the website where I used to hang out a lot, and checked out the "room" of women who were pregnant after a loss. I told myself not to do this. I would only compare myself. I would only get jealous of the women who were already pregnant again after just miscarrying. That is exactly what happened. I saw so many women who miscarried when I did, pregnant again. I became jealous. I felt sorry for myself. I am oh so thankful that I can admit to this on my blog.

My extensive reading on different boards tonight led me to read something that broke my heart. It completely broke my heart. And I realized that I need to acknowledge the things that I do have. I still feel sorry for myself. But I gained some perspective. I needed a good dose of perspective.

Needless to say, I will not be visiting the pregnancy after a loss board again. Why the he** am I going there anyway, being that I am not pregnant after a loss???? I don't know why I do things that cause me pain. I was curious, I suppose. Today, I was so proud of myself when I didn't go to face.book, so that is coming along well. I need to focus on what is good for me and have the courage to do those things, and stay away from the things that cause me pain.

So I guess that this post was about feeling pain for women who can't have children, trying to feel good about the things I do have, and making healthy choices for myself.

Tonight I am praying for the many women who are unable to have children.

Observation News, Evil Fac.ebook, and Temping Question

Thank you so much for the encouragement on Face.book and my observation!!!

First, my observation went very, very well. As I mentioned yesterday, last year I made a fool of myself in front of the super.intendent, so I desperately wanted to fix that. He had planned to come in at a certain time, but did not make it! I nearly died! So I had to go and quickly make another lesson during lunch. When he finally came in, I was so hopped up on the Xan.ax that I was a little giddy. I have never gotten the nerve to speak to him before, so I made sure to tell him about what I was doing and how much I liked the program and on and on and on. I may have spoken a bit too much, but I figure it is better than my normal shy self. I was very smiley and laughed a lot with the kids, so I hope this was okay. I would hope that they would want a smiley, upbeat teacher! What really set the mood for me what when my principal walked in with the super.intendent, he gave me a little wink. It was really very sweet because he knew I was so nervous. I am very happy and hope that he remembers me when it comes time to cut positions in the spring. I just need to stop obsessing over if I was too giddy or excited about my lesson or smiley. That is just the way I am! (In reading this blog, you might think that I constantly walk around crying, but most people think that I am a happy, bubbly person. If only they knew!)

I really took in the comments from yesterday's blog regarding face.book. I have decided to STAY AWAY. I don't need to know that Joe is eating a burrito right now or that Heather just loooooves spending time with her kids or that Jenny OMG is pregnant! I don't need to see Christmas kiddy photos or belly bumps. Most people use the site to show off what they have become in life. Come on, my 197 "friends" are not really my friends! In fact, I would be happy if I never saw most of them again, especially the high school friends. I have made a few good connections, but all in all, it has only made me aware of how far behind I am compared to everyone else. There is absolutely no reason to assault my heart each and every day with the knowledge that all of these people have children or are pregnant. And no one writes "I can't freaking get pregnant" as their status update! So, I am done for now, unless someone directly writes me. Again, thank you for your thoughts.

On the fertility front, I am on CD 8. Tomorrow I start peeing on my monitor (well, not directly on it but you know what I mean :). I am calling the fertility center tomorrow to find out about BD timing for my unmedicated IUI. I would just hate to not BD at all and then find out that I already ovulated.

Another question I am really struggling with is temping. To temp or not to temp? My problem is that my ovulation used to be very apparent before I was on Zo.loft, but now I wake up sweating a lot, and my temp is often up just for that reason. My fertility center director told me not to, as it would only make me crazy, and it varies for so many reasons. I am less stressed when I don't temp, as well. However, some months I would not have known that I hadn't ovulated yet if I hadn't been taking my temp. I would have stopped the BD'ing. My gut tells me to not temp and just rely on my CM and my OPK's and monitor. However, since I am paying out of pocket for this IUI, maybe I should temp just to see if my timing is on. What do you think? Any opinions?

I am now off to watch Tr.ue Blo.od. It is my new favorite show, besides G.lee. We are renting the first season before we watch the second. I am also starting Ne.w Moon. See, I have this problem where I only read really good complicated literature that is depressing. I want to read some easy fiction that is fantasy so that I can try to stop taking life so seriously all of the time.

Big Day Tomorrow and Complaints About Face.book

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

I am still a temporary teacher, due to the limited supply of jobs here in California. In my old district I was tenured, but when I moved here I gave it all away. I am thrilled to be here, of course, but I miss the secure feeling that I had in my old district. This is my third year here on a temporary contract, and as temporary teachers, we are observed very closely. Tomorrow the super.indentant of the entire district is observing all of us. My principal wants my lesson to be riveting and wonderful, as he wants me to leave our super.indentant with a good impression of me.

I am horrible at observations! Just horrible! I usually do something totally lame and embarrass myself. I had the hardest time coming up with a lesson that would fit the necessary criteria, so I called one of my co-workers, and she built a great lesson for me. I think she liked helping me too!

I am going to script it all out. Please cross your fingers for me!

As soon as this is done, I am going to relax. I am on CD 7, so my fertile time is coming up, as is our IUI. Tomorrow I plan on coming home after my observation and doing my fertility yoga DVD. I will already by on Xan.ax from my observation so I will definitely already be relaxed. Once this is over tomorrow, I plan on devoting myself to relaxing so that I can be calm during my fertile time.

I will update soon, and hopefully with good news! Last year when he was visiting, I got so anxious that when a boy got out of his seat and sharpened his pencil, I yelled his name. It just came out. I couldn't help it! He tried to write me a nice letter about my teaching, but all that he could come up with was how nice the colors in my classroom were!

Edited to add: I am so FRICKING TIRED of going on face.book and seeing pregnancy announcements! Why is it that everyone is announcing now???? My LAST FRIEND my age without a child is pregnant! (Note to self: Do not make an ass of yourself and un-friend her like you did the last friend who announced). I think I need to stay the heck away from face.book for now. I just get so worried that someone will post a picture or something to my page. I get emails when that happens, though. When I see those announcements, it is like a knife in my heart. I feel like my heart is being violated. So, from now on...I am staying away from that evil site.

Does face.book bother any of you???